By Chris Weston and Jason Weingardt
Let’s be honest. Some guys have mad style, and some don’t. Here at Wooster, this is evident from just watching the men in the UG do their thang — but in the realm of professional sports it stands out even more. This week, we take a look at tattoos. While all five of the people listed below have their share of well-placed ink, most of them scream “bad decision.” Sadly, no athlete at Wooster was worthy of earning a spot on our list, but then again that’s probably a good thing when you see those chosen. Enjoy!
5. Shawn Merriman
Merriman makes the list because of his ability to incorporate his “lights out” light switch tattoo into his celebrations. After every sack (which are few and far between now that he is off the juice), Merriman celebrates by “flicking” the light switch on his arm. Adding to the somewhat odd tattoo is the hand that is turning out the lights. It looks as if it had been drawn by a third grader who had too much fun with a Sharpie after sniffing it. Honestly, it’s hard to say what’s more embarrassing — the fact that there is an odd home appliance on his arm or that one of the guys from “The Hills Have Eyes” is turning it off. Also, based on Tila Tequila’s example, we might not want to upset him by “leaving him off.”
4. Allen Iverson
Although more famous for redefining “practice” for the rest of the sporting world, AI falls into the fourth slot for his censored back tattoo. He chose to have the acronym “FAME” inked onto his back, which is no surprise seeing as his ego is larger than Octomom’s diaper bill. In case you didn’t know what it stood for, that was added underneath — “F@#? All My Enemies.” Yes, he had his own tattoo censored. A piece of art that is hidden beneath your jersey, only seen when you want it to be seen, and with a message as blunt as this, and AI chooses to blur out what the word actually is? AI, you disappoint us.
3. Udonis Haslem
Haslem simply has a tattoo on his back that has the entire state of Florida. This serves a practical function for times when he’s incredibly intoxicated, or just plain lost. Other than that, this thing is utterly ridiculous. What if Haslem gets traded from his current team, the Miami Heat to a team outside of Florida? Except for maybe Tim Tebow, we don’t think anyone is actually that proud to be from Florida; except for maybe Flo-rida. He’s still cool, right?
2. Dennis Rodman
Any time you talk about weird and random anything in the world of sports, you have to include Rodman. The man made a living off of being “that guy,” doing everything from wearing a wedding dress to promote his own autobiography, to changing his hair color more than Senator Lieberman would change his stance on politics. What is possibly the most absurd part about him is his full back tattoo, which, to put it incredibly lightly, pictures a naked female figure doing some very graphic things with a part of her own body that isn’t naturally there. Oh, and she also has angel wings. It is horrifying. This picture should have relieved Michael Jackson of the title for “Craziest person of the 1990s.” But then again, it is Dennis Rodman, so what should we expect?
1. Chris “Birdman” Andersen
Where to start? As the only white guy on our list, you wouldn’t think he’d make number one. However, he earns the number one spot simply because he’s the biggest badass here. After being expelled from the NBA for “drug violations,” Anderson was reinstated and helped the Thuggets — err, Nuggets in the playoffs. His signature celebration, simply titled the “Birdman,” has him wave his hands around and flap like a bird. This is cool and all, but what makes it better is the wings he has tattooed on his arms. And shoulders. And back. Essentially, everywhere on his body. Also, his hairstyle is a dual mullet/mohawk hybrid. That in itself makes Andersen worthy of a number one spot.
Honorable Mention
Mike Tyson
Charles Barkley warned that you shouldn’t start a confrontation with a guy who has a face tattoo. Tyson is that guy. His tribal tattoo adds to his intimidation factor. Also, this is the same guy who owns a tiger and rocks out to Phil Collins. And helped win a Golden Globe. That’s good enough for sixth.
